The Hidden Humour of Harry Potter: A Comic Suicide
by Pipeline
Summary: Short chapters full of really bad humour that is completely unnecessary, but that is the fun of it. I can promise many updates to come, I'm totally sold on bad humour. Slash. HP
1. Introducing the Older Sister

**The Hidden Humour of Harry Potter - A Comic Suicide**

**Pairing: **H/D

**Disclaimer:** I do not own "Harry Potter" or the characters feature therein; they all belong to J.K Rowling. But the plot is mine, alright, so is the stink-bad humour that saturates it. :) Oh, and the characters Piper and Takeshi are entirely my creations.

**A/N:** A while back I went through a period in life when I was extremely bored - and it resulted in these completely unnecessary nonsense fictions, but they still feel a bit special to me. I have to warn you, though: There are two different outcomes that might come over you. Either you laugh your guts out, or you walk out of it feeling utterly disgusted and ready to _puke_ your guts out. So, there, you have been warned. Now read at your own risk. Cheers, mates.

* * *

**1. Introducing the Older Sister**

It is a day like any other at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry - Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter are loudly disputing over something as usual. Standing in the middle of the corridor, blocking passage for the rest of the student body, they shout at each other at the top of their lungs, already having forgotten why they started this fight in the first place. But what the other students don't know is that these two young gentleman have been having a passionate affair with each other for several months, and that this row is only for show. They cannot at any price betray their relationships to the others, for that would mean the end of the world as they know it.

Unfortunately, there is one person utterly unaware of this but _utterly_ in the position of runing everything for them...

A veela-like girl springs on Draco from behind, a huge (to Draco) demonic grin on her pale face, and casually puts her arm around the blonde's shoulder. "_Dracooooooo!_"

A little too casually, in Harry's opinion. Their elaborate act notwithstanding, he mutters sourly to himself and shoots angry flashes at the newly arrived female.

Draco's eyes widen in shock and indignance. "_You!_" he breathes.

The young woman is still beaming, unaware of the acid quality in the blonde's voice. "Aren't you happy to see me, Drakie-beans?"

Draco is drop-jawed and terrified at the mere thought. "Ha... happy to see you?"

For a short moment, Harry forgets all about their act and steps forward a bit. "Who the Hell's she, Dray?"

Draco squirmes embarrassedly. "This is my sister..."

Potter blinks in bafflement and confusion. "Your... what? But I thought you were an only child..."

The Slythering sighs deeply. "So did I."

Turned to the woman: "So, you're Draco's sister, eh?"

Beaming again. "Piper's the name! Nice to meet you, chap! Although, some people like to call me Mary Sue, but I've never quite understood why..."

The bewildered expression on the female's face only baffles Harry even more.

Draco, on the other hand, only rolls his eyes. "Try to figure that one out."

"Oh, come on, Drakie-poops!" Piper exclaims encouragingly. "Lighten up, will ya! So, is he your boyfriend, or what? Wow! I never thought you'd nail Harry Potter! I'm proud of you, little brother!"

"He is _not_ my boyfriend!" the blonde objects with gritted teeth.

Piper blinks stupidly. "No? Then why are you blokes quarrelling like that?"

"He is my archenemie!"

"Really? I don't think so. Well, there's only one way to find out... _Honesia Truthifica!_"

Sparkles fly out of the tip of her wand and hits the terrified Draco right between the eyes. Harry jumps back, startled. "What are you doing to him?"

Piper casually waves at him dismissively. "Honesty Spell. Now he won't be able to lie for the rest of the day. So, tell me Draco, what do you think of our young Mr Potter here, hmmm?"

Draco immediately begins to jump up and down in euphory, and Harry can almost imagine his eyes are heart-shaped. "He is the most handsome bloke I have ever met!"

Piper blushes with embarrassment. "Oops! Must have given it a little too much flick just there..."

The raven-haired boy grasps her by the collar of her colourful robes. "What? What happened?"

"Well, besides telling the truth he will now be _veeeeery_ passionate about it, too. Hard to tell what he could do next, really..."

As if proving Piper's fact, Draco throws himself around Harry's neck. "Oh, I love you, Harry!"

There is no mistaking Piper's amusement at this. "Well, there you have it!" she declairs with approval.

Harry desperately tries to fend him off. "But Draco, what about last night..."

"Oh, it was the best sex I've ever had!"

Piper gasps and claps her hand to her mouth, but Harry is not as pleased. "No, that's not what I'm talking about! I meant what you _said_ last night! _About keeping it quiet!_"

Draco lets go of him. A thoughtful frown appears on his forehead. "Oh. That. I see. Right. I'm sorry."

"Don't sweat it, Dray. You've already done it."

As if the Slytherin's loud and clear love declaration were not enough, Ron arrives followed closely by Hermione. "Harry, why are you talking to Malfoy?"

"I'm not, he's..."

"I'm his boyfriend!" Draco proclaims brightly.

Ron's eyes widen. "You're WHAT!"

"I'm his..."

"He's under a spell!" Harry shrieks desperately. Piper cursed him or something to make him... well, to make him in love with me, and... Since it will only last for a day I kind of decided to have some fun with it, 's all. You know."

Ron has a hard time finding his voice.

Meanwhile, Hermione has joined the group. "What is going on here? Ron?" Expects an instant explanation.

Piper is drooling all over herself. "Friends of Potter's..."

Ron and Hermione exclaims: "Who is _she_?"

"Draco's sister," Harry and Piper replies in unison.

Ron blinks. "Aha."

Hermione bites her lip. "Oh."

To Harry's great discomfort, the blond female decides to play with her puppet brother some more - in front of his friends! "Tell me, Drakie-bums, what do you think of Mr Weasley here?"

"He's a bit of a stiff, isn't he?" the brother replies truthfully. "But I love his hair!"

Ron squirms with embarrassment and turns crimson. "Errrr..."

Hermione is equally awkward. "E, he, he..."

"How about going to the library, Minie?"

"Sounds lovely, Ron."

They hurry off in a cloud of grey smoke. Harry exhales with relief. "Blimey." He scratches his head. "The whole school's going to know about this in 5 seconds!"

"Is that a bad thing?"

"That's a _teeeeerrible_ thing!" Harry yells at Piper. "Now you make him go back to his original state!" He is getting mighty annoyed with the blond Slytherin whom is dancing around his legs like some dog or other.

Piper shrugs. "Can't."

"WHAT!"

"But I can put a Time Eraser Spell on Hogwarts, if you want. That way you may have your one day out in the open and do whatever the heck you'd like, and no-one will remember in the morning. That all right, Harry?"

Harry is impressed. "You can do that?"

"Of course I can! You're not born a Malfoy for nothing, are you? Must find some use for this bloody name."

"Then do it."

Piper bows in mock courtesy. "Aye-aye, Captain! Your wish is my command!"

Harry shakes his head at himself. "Call me crazy, but I think I actually like you."

Draco, whom is now standing beside Harry with a grave look on his face, declairs: "I don't."

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**A/N:** There will be plenty more where this comes from, that's a promise. I have a lot of bad jokes in store, haha. 


	2. Enter through the back

**A/N:** Directly continuing after "Introducing the Older Sister"...

* * *

**2. Enter through the back**

"So, what am I going to do with you?" Harry wonders aloud as he steers Draco away from the curious onlookers.

Draco circles him enthusiastically. "What are you going to do with who with who with who with who with who? With me? Me?" Stops in front of Harry, a _veeery_ obscene look on his face. "Oooh, what are you going to do to me, Harry? Are you going to rip my clothes off and enter through the back?"

"WHAT!"

Draco enticingly licks his chin. "Because you'd be more than welcome, you know."

The poor Potter is beside himself with shock. "Draco, there are people here!"

The blonde surveys their surroundings as if he has noticed it for the first time. "Yeah... you're right... Wanna go to my room? We can have some privacy there."

"We are _not_ going to your room! We have classes to attend, goddammit!"

"So, can I come with you, then?"

Harry sighs deeply. "You know the Slytherins don't have classes together with the Gryffindors anymore - unless it's Potions, that is. We're not having Potions today."

Draco ponders this a few seconds. Then: "Can I come with you, anyway? All my classes are _boooring_, can't stay awake a single minute."

Yet again, a loud sigh escapes the raven-haired boy. "Why do you have to come with me so badly?" he complains.

The blonde's eyes begin to glow with happiness and longing. "Because then I would get to look at you for several hours in a row without interruptions! Oh, just imagine it! Sitting there beside my very own Potter, listening to him speak in class and marvel at his superiour intelligence..." He sighs happily with dreamy eyes.

Harry turns to look at him, touched and deeply flattered. "Is that how you really feel about me?"

"Uh-huh."

Suddenly he is smiling broadly, too. "Alright then."

"Yaaaaay!" the blonde shouts euphorically and starts jumping around like a maniac. "Yes, yes, yes, yes, _yeeeeeeeesssss!_"

Harry swiftly starts to walk away from him. "You know what? I just changed my mind."


	3. Did I mention that I'm a Malfoy?

**3. Did I mention that I'm a Malfoy?**

The blonde soon catches up with him, and Harry lets him be. Until he starts singing at the top of his voice - _out of key_. "All I ever wanted, all I ever needed, is heeeere in my aaaaarmsss!"

Harry tries to shrink and curses himself for not knowing any disappear-through-the-ground-to-China spells. "What are you doing now?" he demands, anxiously looking around to see if anyone watches them.

"I'm singing. Don't you think I have a lovely singing voice, Harry?"

"Would you cut it out, please? People are staring..."

Draco pouts. "You're not being very nice, Harry. I don't like you when you're like this. I want you to be nice to me."

Harry panics and instantly grasps the blonde's forearms. "Oh, don't cry now! Fuck... I take everything positive back that I said about Piper - I resent her!"

The older sister immediately appeare out of nowhere. "Did somebody call me?"

"EEEEEK!" Harry steps back in fright. "Where did you come from!"

Piper laughes casually. "Oh, I just Apparated a little..."

"But that's impossible!" the raven-haired boy objects frantically waving his arms about. "You can't Apparate within the Hogwarts grounds! It's..."

"Did I mention that I'm a Malfoy?" Piper cuts in. "My father has more connections than a mushroom has roots - and that is saying something! I have used his influence and picked up a few things here, a few things there - and I've invented quite a few spells myself over the years. There's nothing I can't do with magic, and surpassing a few laws of gravity is nothing new to me. Breaking into Hogwarts is boringly easy, and I've been doing it since I was in my second year myself." She yawns with boredome and stretches her legs a bit.

Draco lashes out at her in childish fury. "Why do you always have to come and spoil everything? I was just having a moment with Harry."

"Moment!" Harry echoes. "You were singing, for crying out loud!"

"Yes, but I sang for you..."

"Don't." He turns back to Piper. "Please tell me there's a way to undo this before it totally destroys my reputation as a sane person! Please tell me that you can unmake this... this... nightmare!" He points at Draco in obvious dispair.

The blonde's eyes water. "Now, don't you think that was a bit mean?"

"Not really, no."

Piper clears her throat awkwardly. "To be honest with you - no."

"WHAT? But you just said there was nothing you couldn't do with a little magic!"

"So I lied."

"_What?_ Why would you lie about something like that!"

Piper is silent for a while, and then she says incredulously: "Did I mention that I'm a Malfoy?"

* * *

**A/N:** It is all in the punchline. ;) 


	4. Anything Anything Anything?

**A/N:** A little longer, a little blunter, a little fluffier... a little more of everything! ;) Although, I think I might have lost some of the humour with this one... (?)

* * *

**4. Anything Anything Anything?**

Harry had, much to his reluctance, accepted the fact that Draco is hyperactive, honest and annoyingly passionate about his "secret" love for said Potter and decides to enjoy the moment as much as possible - despite all the angry glares from fellow students, that is...

"Anything special you wanna do since this is our day?" he wonders generously as they leave their last lesson.

Draco is so drop-jawed that he drools. "Anything? Wooooow..."

Harry snaps. "Hey! Don't get all dreamy on me like that! You're scaring me."

The blonde's expression is blank as he meets the raven-haired boy's gaze. "Scaring you? But Harry, you just shocked me is all. I wasn't prepared for an offer like that - I mean, _anything_? Blimey! I can do absolutely _anything_ with you today, anywhere, and you wouldn't care?"

Harry considers this for a moment. "No, I guess..."

The Slytherin throws himself around Harry's neck and clings to him like a child. "Oh, thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you! I love you, Harry, I love you to death, I would do anything for you, anything at all!"

"Yeah? Then get the Hell off me - you're suffocating me!"

"Sorry. I just got a bit over-excited, I guess..."

"You think!"

"Sorry. Er, Harry... do you still mean what you said about anything?"

"Yeah." They walk in silence for a few hundred feet.

"Then will you take me down to the lake and sit with me by the water and just hold me? Please? Pwetty pweeeaaaze?"

Harry hesitates for a while, but then he shrugs. _What the hell._ "Okay."

"Yaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyy!"

Despite the blonde's euphorious cry and his little queer dance that he does all the way down to the lake, Harry still keeps his promise, and they sit down against a tree trunk. Draco snuggles up into Harry's arm, and Harry gently kisses the top of his head. "Are you comfortable, baby?"

"Oooooh, you bet I am! When you hold me like that you make me totally hot for you and I just wanna stick my hands insid your pants and make you hot, too!"

A pair of third-year Hufflepuff girls give a shriek and run off as if their lives depend on it.

Harry blushes. "Weeell... not here, eh? You can do that later, all right? There are still people around..."

"Whatever you say, Harry." The blonde pulls Harry's arms closer around himself and closes his eyes. "As long as I'm with you I'm okay. It doesn't matter that your hair looks totally awful."

"WHAAAT!"

The Slytherin wrinkles his nose. "It's always so... untidy. Can't you ever do anything about it? I want my boyfriend to look decent and proper."

Suddenly Harry is getting angry again. "Hey! Pick on somebody else's hair, will ya! Don't get me started on _your_ flaws, because then we'd be here all night."

Warm, sticky drool suddenly run down the blonde's chin, and he looks _waaay_ obscene. "Ooooh, please! Start on my flaws!"

Harry blinks sheepishly. "Excuse me?"

"You said we'd be here all night... you said we'd be here... all night... said we'd... all night... all night... all... night..." Draco is literally melting now!

Harry pushes him away in fright. "Waah! You're scaring me again!"

"... all night... here all night... me and Harry... here all night... drrroooooollll..."

"Quit drooling like that!" he shrieks, positively terrified. (Harry has a phobia of drool.)

Draco stops for a moment, his chin wet with saliva. "What? You want me to kiss you instead?"

Harry hysterically waves his arms in front of him to ward the blonde off. "NO! By all means, do go on! You were drooling something...?"

Draco resumes his drooling with pleasure. "... me and Harry... here all night... all night... oh, this is too good to be true... our first real date... here all night..."

"There just is no stopping you, is there?" Harry sighed, defeated and beat.

Eventually, there is only a small puddle of melted something left of the Slytherin. "...aaaaalllllllnnnnniiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt..."

It is getting dark, and the night seems to be closing in. A cold wind sweeps in over the lake. Harry pulls his robes closer to him. "Dray, we had better get inside, it's getting cold. Unless you'd rather lie there and ooze, of course..."

Draco immediately shoots up from the ground like a rocket. "No no no no no! I'd rather go with you with you with you! Where are we going, Harry? What are you going to do to me, Hawwy? Are you finally going to pull down those trousers of yours and give me some of your candy roll!"

"_Excuse me!_"

Draco licks his lips obscenely. "I'm in the mood for some Potter tonight! Bwahahaha!"

The raven-haired boy hesitates insecurely. "Okaaay... so... my room then?"

"_Yeeeeeeeeeeessssss!_ I'm gonna sleep with Potter! I'm gonna sleep with Potter! I'm gonna sleep with Potter!" He bounces around the Gryffindor's feet, merrily clapping his hands together as he goes, humming a sweet melody and chuckling darkly to himself.

Harry sighs. "And _I'm_ gonna sleep with Loony..."

"You bet your arse you are! Bwahahaha! I'm gonna make your panties burn, baby, and I'm gonna give you some _looovin'_ you ain't gonna forget for a _looooong_ long time! Bwahahahaha!"

Harry hits himself on the head twice. "Why do I hate your sister all of a sudden?"

They enter Harry's dorm. It is deserted. Good.

Draco stops dead in his tracks, and for the first time in many hours he actually looks grave. "Maybe because she's a fucking pain in the arse and she always screws everything up for people?"

"Right now _you're_ a pain in _my_ arse, Dray!"

That obscene, kinky smile returns to the blonde's lips. He licks them anew. "Yes, but what a pleasant pain - and you'll get the whole package in exactly ten seconds!"

The Slytherin jumps him from behind, and Harry cries out in surprise. He tries to crawl away from the sex monster.

"Hey!" Draco says indignantly. "Don't try to get away from me! You said I could do anything I wanted today!"

"I take it back! I take it back!" Harry yells hysterically.

Draco pins him down on the floor. "You can't take it back now! Say you want me!"

"But I don't!" the Gryffindor protests violently.

Draco's demonic face bears down on him. "Say you want me, bitch!"

"Okay, okay, I want you, I want you!"

The Slytherin laughs. "Yeah, that's the way it's going, baby! You're my bitch!"

They struggle for a few seconds.

"I don't like you when you're this straight-forward!" Harry complains whiningly.

"What are you talking about?" the blonde asks. "I'm always straight-forward!"

"Yeah, well, at least you used to ask me nicely about it first!"

Draco stops to consider it. "Alright. Harry, may I please fuck your brains out?"

"I..."

"_Uuuuuggghhh!_ What on earth are you _doing_!" a voice exclaims behind them, and when they turn around they notice Piper standing there, watching them squirm on the floor, Harry with his trousers halfway down and Draco struggling to pull his boxers down as well.

Harry desperately reaches out a hand to her. "Piper! Help me!"

Piper smiles with amusement. "Oh no no, you brought this on yourself."

"Excuse me? I brought this on myself? And here I was thinking you were the one who cast that spell!" Harry bellows at her, and split flies everywhere. When he realises he is drooling of wrath he shrieks in terror and hurries to wipe his mouth on the sleeve of his robes.

"Yes," Piper admits generously, "but it wouldn't have worked this well if you hadn't made my 'ickle brother fall for you in the first place. Deal with it."

"Bullshit!" Harry shouted. "Now help me get him off me!"

Draco is drooling again, and Harry is close to fainting from fear. "_Haaaawwwwwwwyyyyyy_..."

Piper yawns. "This is boring. I'm leaving."

"No, don't go!" Harry desperately calls out to her. "Stay! Don't leave me here with _him_!"

Piper is surprised. "But I thought you liked _him_."

"I do, I like him very much, but not like this! I liked the old Draco better, much better in fact, I've learnt to appreciate him much more now. Please, I just want him to go back to his original state. Please?" God, he is begging now. What has gotten into him? He blushed in shame and lowers his gaze.

Piper looks at her watch. "It's ten minutes till midnight - your time's almost up. Eventful day much?"

"_Eventful!_ That's an understatement!"

"Oh dear. Would've been much easier if I had just reversed the spell right away, don't you think?"

Harry stares at her in puzzlement for several seconds during which Draco _almost_ succeeds to rip his underwear off him. "What? You could reverse it all along? _You could reverse it all along?_ Why the Hell didn't you do anything?"

"Well, duh. That wouldn't have been much fun, would it? I enjoy watching small boys suffer - especially the juicy ones. Now I suggest that you make the most of your last nine minutes, because you might regret not to once this is not over..."

Harry snorts. "I doubt it."

Piper stretches. "Well, I'm off then. Take care, Harry. None of this will last until tomorrow."

Harry reaches out for her one last time. "Just do me a favour, will you? Would you act as if this never happened next time we meet?"

To his surprise, Piper gives him a sad smile. "Don't worry, Harry. I won't remember a thing. Neither will you." And on that note, she disappears.

Harry gives up fighting and lets Draco have his way. Afterwards, they hold each other in bed. "I'm sorry for getting so carried away before," Draco murmurs sleepily.

"It's alright, Dray," Harry assures him, and kisses him on his bare shoulder. "I guess I just have that effect on you."

The Slytherin snuggles up closer and inhales the Gryffindor's scent. "I love you, Harry."

The clock strucks twelve. It is midnight and the spell is broken.

But right before, Harry starts to say, "I lo..." When midnight arrives and the spell is finally broken, neither of them can remember a thing. Harry blinks stupidly in the darkness of his dorm. Realises there is someone in his arms. "What were we talking about? And how did we end up here?" he wonders in confusion.

"I don't know," Draco says with wonder. "Guess the sex must've been so good we both lost our memories."

Harry laughs. "Well, I guess I just have that effect on you."

The blonde is falling asleep. "I bet you do."


	5. Piper's got a Japanese lover!

**A/N:** Okay, this takes place approximately two years after they left Hogwarts, and they have both returned to the school as teachers. Harry - Defense against the Dark Arts; Draco - Potions (Snape had to resign after a bad accident in which he lost his nose; he was too vain to go on teaching).

* * *

**5. Piper's got a Japanese lover!**

Piper appears out of nowhere (as always), fully prepared to ruin yet another day in her brother's life. Neither he nor Harry is exactly glad to see her... but what can they do? Piper is one of those people who never lets you go, and she certainly doesn't get deterred by threats, either. There is no way of getting rid of her, it seems. So when she shows up with her usual annoying over-excitement they will just have to bear with it. "Well, yadihoo, you guysssss!" She puts her hands on their shoulders from behind, making them both jump. "How's it hangin'?" she adds with a phony American accent.

Draco starts. "You!" he hisses disapprovingly. "How dare you jump me from behind after the mess you put me in last time you put in an appearance!" He cannot believe her nerve!

Harry simply looks surprised - like, _a lot_ surprised!

Piper makes a dismissive gesture at him. "Aww, come on, you're flattering me!"

Draco growls deep in his throat and bares his teeth like a wolf. "Rawwwwr! I am _not_ flattering you, and quit using that phony American accent!"

Piper is stricken. "Phony? Now, Drakie-poops, you are really hurting my noble feelings. You know I've been spending a lot of time overseas this year..."

"Oh yeah? Meet anyone special over there, _sis_?" he scorns.

"Special?" She blinks sheepishly. "No, not really, why do you..."

"Then who is he?" Draco demands, and points at the man standing to the right and slightly behind her.

Piper glances back at him and lits up. "Oh. Him. Guys, this is Takeshi Kimura - he's my boyfriend! Takeshi, say hello to my friends!" she demands and gives him a little thump on the back.

Takeshi just stares at her in astonishment. "Eigo wa karimasen," he tells her politely. (I don't understand English.)

Piper laughs nervously. "Come on, you can do better than that! Say _hello_!"

After a moment's hesitation, Takeshi says, "E? Rikaishinai..." (Huh? I don't understand..."

Piper pats his broad chest. "Oooh-ho, I think you understand more than you think, love..." She winks at him.

Draco and Harry exchange meaning looks.

"He's always like this with strangers," Piper explains to them. "He's so modest."

"Errr... do you even understand what he's saying, Piper?" Draco asks uncertainly.

"Of course!" Piper exclaims brightly. "Itsumo!" (Always!)

"Since when do _you_ speak Japanese?"

"Oh, since... maybe... about a year back, I believe."

"A year!" Draco queries indignantly. "And you didn't tell me - your own brother?"

"Oh, so that's how it goes now, does it? Only last week you told me you never wanted to see me again. You told me that I wasn't your sister anymore," she reminds him angrily.

Draco snaps and waves a finger at her threateningly. "Yeah, because you almost got me killed, that's why! Which, by the way, you've been doing for the past two years now! Not to mention the time you actually turned my Harry into a lingerie model!"

"Don't tell me you didn't like _that_!" Piper objects.

"Of course I didn't like it - he was a _female_ lingerie model! He had no manhood!"

Piper sighs with boredom and massages her left temple. "Manhood this, manhood that... God, you're such a nancy boy, Drakie-bums."

"Well, what did you expect from someone who's gay!" Draco yells in fury.

"Gay?" Piper echoes, pleased with herself for bringing forth such confessions from her cold-hearted brother. "So, you're finally admitting it, then? Did you hear that, Kimura-san?"

"E?" Takeshi says again. (What?)

"Exactly my point, could not have said it better myself!"

But then Takeshi gets some sort of outburst. "Boku wa wakaranai na no da!" he shrieks in dispair. (I don't understand, goddammit!)

Harry cautiously approaches Piper. "Er, I don't think he understands what you're saying, Piper," he tells her.

"No?" Piper turns to her Japanese boyfriend. "Is that right, Kimura-san?"

The Japanese gentleman begins to wave his arms about in anger and frustration. "Eigo wa karimasen! Rikaishinai na no da! Rikaishinai!" (I don't understand English! I don't understand, for crying out loud! I don't understand!)

"My Lord, I think you're right," she says, as if she finds it hard to believe herself that a Japanese gentleman like him can have absolutely no knowledge of the English language. "Gomen-nasai, Kimura-san." (My apologies, Kimura-san."

Draco slaps himself in the face in frustration and irritation. "Where _on earth_ did you find that half-wit!"

Piper lits up. "He's from New York!"

Draco looks at Harry for support. "She's actually thicker than she looks."

"Yeah," Harry agrees, "and here I thought that was impossible."

"No, seriously!" Piper tells them. "He's been living in New York for like three days!"

Draco and Harry exchange meaning looks again. "Oh, right, right, yeah, sure, of course, yeah, certainly, uh-huh..."

Piper ignores them and turns to Takeshi. "Show them what you've learnt today, Takeshi! I'm teaching him English," she tells the young men proudly. "Go on, Keshi-kun, it's alright. Show them your genius!"

Takeshi gives her a terrified look as if he's actually grasped the meaning of her words, but then he clears his throat. "Ai fungurii."

Piper sighs in resignation. "No, no, no! That's not what I taught you! Try again - go on!"

So, Takeshi tries again. "Ayu funguuri." Loud and clear, but no, she's not satisfied with that, either.

"_Baka!_" she yells. (_Idiot!_) "You're saying it all wrong! Takeshi, listen to me: _I am hungry._ Come on, try it!"

Draco and Harry are mighty amused and try their best not to guffaw at her, because that would probably just make things worse for them both - and for poor Takeshi.

The Japanese gentleman tries a third time, much more cautiously now: "Aimu hanguri?"

"_Yes!_" Piper exclaims. "Finally! Yes, _great_! Yoi, Keshi-kun, yoi! Doumo arigatou gozaimasu, _finally_!" (Bravo, Keshi-kun, bravo! Thank you very much, _finally!_)

"Succeeding much?" Draco asks with amusement.

Piper slaps him on the arm. "Oh, shut up! I promise you next time we meet he'll be speaking better English than you. Until then..." They both vanish in a cloud of purplish smoke.

Draco sighs. "Why do I have the feeling that she's about to screw my life up _again_?"

"Maybe because that's what she considers to be her current profession," Harry observed simply.

"Yeah, and next time I'll end up wearing a green toad on my hip or something!"

"That'd be real sexy," Harry murmurs, and kisses Draco's cheek. They are no longer worried about people knowing about their relationship; they have officially been a couple for more than eighteen months now.

"Oh, shut up," Draco warns surly.

They are silent for a while, then the blonde adds: "Poor chap."


	6. She cry you makes!

**A/N:** All right, I am back with a new story... but before it begins I would just like to say THANK YOU! to everyone who's reviewed this so far, it really made me _sooo_ glad to hear that someone else finds this funny, hehe... I am not alone! ¤laughs¤ And there is yet much more to come out of this nonsense story... ;)

* * *

**6. She cry you makes!**

"Boys, I'm baaaaack!"

Draco jumps high into the air, as is always the fact when a certain witch appears to "colour" his day. With an animal look in his eyes, he swirls around to face her. "Shit, you scared me! Don't ever do that again!" He glares at her and hopes she'll find him so frightening that she decides to leave early this time. But to no avail, of course.

Piper merely yawns and scratches her chin. "Really, Drakie-poops, you are repeating yourself. Do you always have to greet me this way? Can't I ever get a 'konnichi wa oneesan'?" (Good day, big sister.)

The blonde raises an eyebrow. "Excuse me? Where did you want me to shit?"

Piper is confused. "Huh?"

"He not stand," observes a mellow Takeshi that stays in the background as usual.

Draco bursts out laughing. " 'He not stand'? Is that your idea of better English than me?" It is too hilarious to be true, and he bends over double with his hands on his stomach, laughing his guts out at his stupid sister and her stupid Japanese friend.

Piper sticks out her tongue at him with indignition. "That's not funny. He can't help that he's foreign. He hasn't learnt to differ 'stand' from 'understand' yet, thinks it means to stand under a tree..."

"A tree?" Draco hollers and is seized by new fits of bubbling laughter.

Piper clears her throat, in bad need of changing the subject before she is more humiliated. "Well, anyways... What I was saying was... yeah, what _was_ I saying?"

"Something about 'come in your shit', I believe, which makes no sense at all to me,_ sis._" Draco scorned her.

The pale witch hit him on the arm. "Don't mock your oneesan, Draco. You know I'm a thousand times as powerful as you are - you are really pushing your luck here."

The Slytherin is very pleased with himself. "I see that our father's blood left its mark on you, too..."

"Fuck off."

"With pleasure."

But just as he is about to leave, Harry shows up and places a gentle kiss on his cheek. "Hey, baby." He spots Piper with friend and frowns. "Oh, it's you. Hello."

Piper makes a wild gesture. "Thank you! Finally someone who says hi in this place!"

Harry's frown deepens into a scowl. "Draco didn't say hi? Gee, wonder why..."

The older sister fakes tears and deliberately makes her lower lip tremble. "Harry, don't tell me you hate me too?"

At this, Takeshi points his finger at Harry accusatory: "She cry you makes!"

Harry blinks. "Sorry?"

Piper immediately bounces back from her "hurt". "Well, no hard feelings here, eh, laddies? I have come to prove to you guys that Takeshi is now a master of English - and in only a month's time!" Her smile is so bright it almost hurts to look at her.

The blonde snorts. "Oh, yeah? You mean the bloke who thinks 'understand' means standing under a tree and who just said 'she cry you makes'? Yeah, I think he's a master already! Congratulations!"

Harry laughs heartily, but stops abruptly when Piper gives him a condemning look. She straightens up a bit. "Well, he's better now. And he can say a million things. Can't you, Keshi-kun?"

"Will speak," Takeshi announces solemnly.

" 'Will speak'?" Draco echoes delightedly.

Piper squirms. "He's only having a slow start..."

"Yeah, slower than a slug!" Draco says.

Harry laughs again, but this time Piper gets so angry with him that she turns his nose into a live mouse that squirms to get free of his face. "Owowowowowowowow!" he cries out, and tries to hold his nose to his face so it won't run away from him.

Draco gasps in terror. "What the Hell are you doing? Turn his nose back to normal this instant!"

"No!" Piper declares testily. "You straighten it out for him!"

Now Draco is getting _reeeaaal_ angry. "Oh, this is very mature, Piper! Really! Worth the Nobel Prize of _STUPIDITY!_"

Piper stubbornly crosses her arms over her chest. "I'm simply defending my lover, that's all."

"You are such a sore loser!"

"Am not!"

"Not scream na no da!" Takeshi suddenly screams and points a finger at Draco. "As for you take back!"

"Owowowowowowowowowowow!" Harry wails in pain.

"I have to hand it to you, Piper," Draco confesses sarcastically, "you really hit a bonus with this one! He's quite the catch!"

His sister is suddenly so furious and so offended that she directs her wand at him. "Okay, I give up! There's just no talking to you!"

"Oh, yeah? Then why don't you get the Hell out of here and leave us the fuck alone already?"

"Maybe I will!"

"Good!" Draco emphasises.

Piper grabs her boyfriend by the sleeve. "Come on, Keshi-kun. We're obviously not wanted here." They prepare themselves to leave, but just when Piper is about to take them out of there the Japanese bloke turns and waves merrily at Draco. He says: "Baibii!" (A possible Japanese pronunciation of the word "bye-bye".)

Draco glares at him, both astonished and insulted. "Did he just call me baby?"

Harry, whom is still trying to gain control of his squirming mouse of a nose, kicks him in the shins. "Forget about your fucking sister and help me get rid of this bloody thing!"

Draco starts. "Oh - sorry. Forgot all about you there." He turns Harry's nose back into a nose, thank God.

Harry gives him a murderous look. "You're sleeping in the office tonight."


	7. Takeshi messy glessy

**7. Takeshi Messy Glessy**

It has been several days since they last saw Piper, but her meddling with their lives has obviously changed Draco for the worse. Wherever they go, he keeps looking over his shoulder, and whenever they enter a new room he always has to check all possible hiding places before he can be sure that his sister is _not_ around. The word "Clear" has suddenly got a whole new meaning to poor Harry, and he is finding it harder and harder to put up with his boyfriend's new paranoia.

On the morning of the seventh "clear" day, Draco peers up and down the corridor thrice before exiting their private quarters at Hogwarts, and what is worse is that he won't let Harry pass until he has "cleared the area". _This is getting ridiculous_, Harry thinks irritably, but he does not utter this aloud.

Draco nervously looks over his shoulder all the way to breakfast. "Coast is clear, right?" he asks Harry after a while, and there is a jitteriness in him that the raven-haired boy doesn't like.

Harry sighs deeply. "What are you doing?" he wonders with exhaustion.

"I'm looking for Piper," the blonde replies matter-of-factly.

"But Piper's not here..."

"And that's the whole point, isn't it?" Draco emphasises with furrowed brows.

A very uncomfortable silence falls between them.

Then, Harry asks, "Dray, are you alright?"

"Me?" the blonde wonders in surprise. "Never been better. Why?"

" 'Cos you keep bouncing around like that. You're making me nervous."

"We have to keep our guard up in case she shows up," the former Slytherin states as if this is something widely known amongst wizards around the world. _All right, everyone, just stay clear of Piper now and you'll be fine! Have a nice life!_

Harry squirms, very concerned for him. "I really don't think it's good for you to see your sister, you always get so weird whenever she's been around."

Draco looks at him incredulously. "Yeah? You think?"

"I think maybe we should tell her to leave you alone."

Draco stops abruptly in the middle of the Great Hall, and a Slytherin second-year collides with him from behind. She walks off cursing and pointing her finger at him, but Draco does not even notice. There is a new animal glint to his silver grey eyes. "Good idea. _Piper!_"

Harry jerks. "What are you doing?"

The blonde gives him a look that says _What, are you stupid?_ "I'm calling her, of course. You don't expect me to tell her long-distance, do you?"

"Well, no..."

"La li hooooo!" Piper announces her arrival and beams at them both.

At the same time, Takeshi arrives at her left side, and he bows courteously. "Greetings, merry men."

Draco frowns. " 'Merry men'?"

" 'Gay' means 'happy', doesn't it?" Piper states to explain her boyfriend's confusion with words. "Anyway, you called me?"

"Yes, I have a favour to ask you."

His sister immediately begins to jump up and down with excitement. "Really? Really really really?"

"Na no da?" Takeshi puts in eagerly and leans in so close to Draco's face that he looks like a cyclops.

"Shut up, dimwits-boy" Draco demands. "Piper, I'd advise you not to get too excited about this, because it's no friendly favour I'm about to ask you. I wish you to leave me alone and never meddle with my life again. I don't want any more stripping female boyfriends around, and I certainly don't want one with a squirming mouse for a nose, either!"

Piper sounds genuinely hurt when she replies. "What?" Her voice is weak and squeaky.

Takeshi blinks. "E? Say something exactly na no da?"

Draco crosses his arms over his chest. "That's right. I'm asking you to bugger off for good. Now, can you do that, dear sister? _Because if you don't I will go mad!_"

Harry tries to calm him down (in vain). "He's right, you know," he says to Piper in a grave tone of voice. "He's really starting to go strange on me, and to tell you the truth it kind of scares me..."

Draco swirls around at him, his face red with fury. "Say what?"

Piper has not heard a word; she is still numb with shock. "But... but you're my brother... I just want what's best for you..."

"Yeah? Then leave me alone!"

There is a long silence. "Okay," Piper finally says. "If that's what you want." She Disapparates, but leaves Takeshi behind. When he realises that she's gone, he panics and starts to tear at his own hair. "She where goes? _Nokosanaaaaaiiiiii!_" (Don't leave me behiiiiiiiind!)

Draco blinks blankly. "She left the dude?"

Harry investigates the matter thoroughly. "Yeah, looks that way."

Draco cautiously approaches the strange Japanese man. "Er... hi. Do you understand English?" he wonders, trying to sound friendly and helpful.

Takeshi grins sheepishly and exclaims: "Hai!" (Yes!)

The blonde frowns. "Yeah, hi. Look, I don't know where she went and I certainly can't babysit some Japanese bloke, so why don't you scurry off after her, huh?"

Takeshi blinks. "E?" But then he suddenly lits up and withdraws a weird little object from his jacket pocket. It is a funny-looking glass sculpture of some kind. And then it comes: "Looky-looky! Takeshi messy glessy!"

Draco stares into thin air and a muscle twitches in his face. "Messy... glessy..."

* * *

**A/N:** All right, I know, this one is particularly bad... gomen. But just to make one thing clear (in case there are any misunderstandings), when Takeshi says "messy glessy" he means "messy glassy", which is his way of saying "look at this weird glass thingy". Anyway, the point is there is no point, he's merely really bad at English and doesn't understand a word Draco's saying. But he recognises the friendly tone and wants to be friendly back. So, there you have it. :p 


	8. The messyglessythingy goes zooooom!

**8. The messy-glessy-thingy goes zooooom!**

Harry stares in terror as Draco snaps. He rushes forward. "Draco! What the Hell are you doing?"

The blonde is holding the weird glass-thingy in his right hand, playing with it as if it was a toy airplane or something. "The messy-glessy-thingy goes _uuuuuuppp_, and it takes a turn around the sky castle, and then it comes _dooooowwwwnnn_... **_zooooom!_**"

Harry desperately tries to prise it out of the blonde's hand, but to no avail. "Stop that! You're scaring me again!"

"No!" Draco protests as he tries to steal away the glass sculpture. "That's mine! That's mine! Don't take it away from me! That funny-talking man from New York gave it to me!" He flails about furiously, kicking at Harry.

"Oww!" Harry cries out as Draco bites him in the shin.

"Me glessy messy gives!" Takeshi simultaneously informs him proudly, slapping himself on the chest as a manly gesture.

"Shut up!" Harry cries. "And cut it out, Dray, you're not five you know!"

The blonde gives him a defiant look. "No, I'm nineteen," he proclaims.

"You sure don't act like it! Now give me that bloody thing!" They fight about the glass-thingy until it slips through their fingers and fall to the floor and breaks into a million smithereens. All three watches it with astonishment.

"_NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_" Takeshi shrieks in slow-motion.

"Yesyesyesyesyesyesyesyesyes!" Harry says with hyped up speed.

But the blonde merely sighs. "Oh, flip. There goes my excuse for going mad."

"So you're not mad for real?" Harry wonders hopefully.

Another sigh. "No. I just needed to act out my frustration somehow. I'm all right now."

"Glad to hear that, Dray."

"Here makes good," Takeshi agrees, totally misinterpreting Harry's words.

"Oh, that's right..." Draco turns to the Japanese visitor again. "Piper left some shit behind..."

"Draco!" Harry rebukes. "Be nice!"

"Yeah, right. Nice. Alright, Mr Leftovers, why don't you scurry off after my sister and make her happy or something?"

"E? Say something exactly?"

The blonde strains to stay calm and focused. "Why don't you follow my sister?" he suggests, speaking more clearly this time and using better words.

Takeshi shakes his head. "Takeshi magic do no nai." ("no nai" means "non-existing"/"not")

Draco blinks. "Errr... excuse me?"

Takeshi searches for words. "Um... Takeshi magic not do?" he then wonders uncertainly.

"Aha! You don't do magic! Now I understand!" He is jubilant for a second. But then it hits him. "WHAAAAAAT? My sister's got involved with some Japanese Muggle bloke and totally exposed herself as a witch?"

Takeshi grins sheepishly. "Affirmative, merry man!"

"How could she tell someone like _you_ a secret like _that_? I bet she doesn't even know the Japanese word for 'magic' and said it by accident..."

"Mahoo," Takeshi cuts in.

"What?"

"Magic is mahoo Japanese."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Obtaining obtaining Ohio state?"

"What? Ohio state? What the Hell are you rambling about?" Draco wonders in confusion.

"E? I obtain only. You like did." Takeshi looks at him honestly.

Draco blinks a few times, then he cries out in frustration. He turns to Harry for comfort and support. "I give up! I can't talk to this prick - it's impossible!"

Harry puts his arm around his waist. "But at least you tried, baby..."

"Yeah, and I'm afraid I'll have to admit my little error - and, I tell you, I will regret this for the rest of my life!" He slowly clears his throat. "Piper! Would you please come and get your boytoy?"

She immediately pops up before them. "Knew you'd come crawling," she beams."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah, whatever - just get him the Hell away from me and don't come back until he's actually good enough to engage in a conversation," Draco mutters defeatedly.

Piper's smile broadens. "You got it, Drakie-bums! Come on, Keshi-kun, let's go home!"

"Kaeritai naa!" Takeshi expels hysterically, like a small child. (I wanna go home!)

Piper hits him on the head. "I just told you we're going homw, you moron."

Takeshi shrinks before her. "Suimasen." (Sorry.)

But then Draco's had it with those two and shrieks: "Oh, just leave already!"

Piper laughs nervously. She knows what her brother can be like when he gets real angry. "Right. Sorry, bro. We're leaving now."

But like last time, right before they leave Takeshi bows and says: "Baibii!" And they Disapparate.

Draco raises one hand in fury. "He just called me baby _again_!"

"Calm down," Harry says patiently.

"Fuck you!"

"Please, go ahead."

* * *

**A/N:** When you type in "Oh yeah" in Altavista's Babelfish and translate it into Japanese, then translate the Japanese back into English, you get "Obtaining obtaining Ohio state". I think it's hilarious so I just had to use it. 


	9. Takeshi's best comeon lines

**A/N:** Piper's 'ickle Keshi-kun would like to teach you lot the wonderful art of seduction, Takeshi-style. To make things a little clearer for you, Piper has consented to translate everything he says for you. Enjoy! ;)

* * *

**9. Takeshi's Best Come-on Lines**

TAKESHI: Actually it came to dinner to be, you think, smart today, you see?

PIPER: You look really smart today, would you like to come to dinner?

* * *

TAKESHI: Lonelily, do I whom it is possible to connect see? 

PIPER: You look lonely, may I join you?

* * *

TAKESHI: As for the sun like all stars of the sky of the cloudless winter night being to shine, you must feel jealously. 

PIPER: The sun must feel jealous, because you glow like all the stars in the sky on a cloudless winter night.

* * *

TAKESHI: A kind of woman whom I keep accompanying in mama in the house it is complete! 

PIPER: You are definitely the kind of woman I would take home to mama!

* * *

TAKESHI: Your body does not become to make me remember, I love the fruit. 

PIPER: Your body reminds me of a pear, and I love fruit.

* * *

TAKESHI: Without stopping the fact that as for your voice like music of my ear, so you rejoice, never speak, it is not! 

PIPER: Your voice is like music in my ears, so please, never stop talking!

* * *

TAKESHI: When looking at that I walk under sort, it stopped time. 

PIPER: Time stopped when I saw you walking down the street.

* * *

**A/N:** Well, I hope you all know what to do now... laughing my guts out This one is from the time I was obsessed with Altavista's Babelfish, everything comes out so hilarious... I remember one time when I translated the line "Oh I'm sorry, I forget that you've lost your memory" and it came out as "The regrettable companion of Ohio state, I forget that your memory is lost!" ¤melodrama¤ 


	10. hiccup

**A/N:** Those of you who didn't like the previous sexual references might not want to read this chapter (and the following two), because our dear wizards take it a little bit further than just references here...

* * *

**10. --hiccup--**

Harry returns from a hard day's work with impossible students and looks rather beat. Draco looks up from the papers he is grading, and says, "You're looking awfully roughled today."

"I had a rough night," Harry says and refers to the detentions that he had to supervise.

Draco slowly gets up from his armchair. "Want me to make it even rougher for you?" He approaches the raven-haired young man almost stealthily, a kinky smile on his lips.

Harry studies him suspiciously. "Depends on what you mean with 'rougher'?" he points out firmly.

The blonde stops before him, taking his hands in his. He looks deeply into Harry's emerald eyes, and when he purrs out his suggestion their lips are only a couple inches apart. "Well, I could always go down on you..." To emphasise this, he seductively licks his lips and moves one hand to the belt in Harry's trousers.

"--hiccup--"

Draco fumbles with the belt. "What? Was that a yes?" He chuckles obscenely.

"--hiccup--"

He removes the belt. "Am I being too rough on you?" Expecting a _No_ so he can continue.

"--hiccup--"

Draco snaps. He's never been very patient, and he's never much liked silences. "Hey! Answer me, you bloody git! Do you want me to blow you or not?"

"--hiccup-- ... I... --hiccup-- ... want... --hiccup-- ..." Harry tries to convey his wishes to Draco, but all that comes out is hiccups. Bloody annoying.

"Yes?" the blonde demands, his fingers on the top-most button in Harry's trousers.

"I want you to... --hiccup--"

"Oh, shut up with the hiccoughing already!" Draco shouts angrily, slapping Harry's face.

"Ouch. Sorry, mate. --hiccup--"

The blonde cannot believe his own ears. The fury that now rises from deeply within him is so cold and black that it threatens to devour him. "WHAT did you call me?"

Harry blinks blankly. "Er... mate?"

"How dare you?" Draco yells, and slaps him anew. "Is that all I am to you? _A mate?_"

Harry hesitates and tries to back away from the furious blonde. "Well, no..."

But that won't do, either. "So I'm not even a mate now, am I?" he states, and Harry knows he's just trying to snare him and make him say the wrong thing so he can slap him again.

"No, that's not what I..." he begins.

"Then speak up for yourself, you bloody prissy hiccoughing fool!" the blonde bellows, spit flying everywhere.

Harry stops a while in astonishment. "I'm not hiccoughing anymore."

The blonde crosses his arms over his chest. "Well, good for you!" he says accusatory.

Harry clears his throat. "What I wanted to say--" He takes a hold of Draco's arms and bends them loose. "--was that you're more than just a mate to me--" He puts the blonde's arms around his waist and pulls him closer. "--you're everything to me--" He kisses Draco's cheeks lightly, then the corners of his mouth. "--and I would love to be blown by you." He finishes his sentence by directing Draco's left hand to his buttocks.

"Thank you!" the blonde says incredulously, but he is no longer mad. He smiles, and he is blushing because of all the nice things Harry has said about him. Then, in a jocular tone, he says, "Mind if I start now?"

"--hiccup--"

Draco instantly pulls free of him and stalks up to the door - it slams shut behind him.

Harry hurries after him. "Wha-- Hey! Dray, wait! --hiccup--"


	11. hiccup 2

**11. --hiccup-- 2**

Harry catches up with him in their foyer. Grabs his arm from behind and forces him to turn around and face him. "Hey! Why did you run off like that?"

"Why?" the blonde echoes. "You wanna know why?"

"Yes, I would very much wanna know why, thank you," Harry says scornfully.

"Because you were mocking me, that's why! You didn't appreciate my efforts to reward you for a long night's hard work - and you kept hiccoughing in my face!" he yells angrily and hits Harry on the chest repeatedly.

Harry pouts. "I can't help that I was hiccoughing..." he protests sourly.

"Oh, you can't, huh?"

"No, I can't. Listen, Dray, I'm really sorry. Give me a chance to make it up to you?"

The blonde hesitates. But at least he seems to be considering it. "How do you mean, 'make it up to me'?" he then wonders with some reluctance.

Harry thinks fast. "Weeeeellll... I could always blow _you_... and then maybe we could... make love..." he suggests slyly, knowing that the blonde won't be able to resist such an offer.

Draco is silent again, but not for as long this time. Then he shakes his head at himself and feigns anger. "You really think I'm going to let you off that easily, do you?" he scorns condescendingly.

Harry ignores it. "Hmmm, maybe not... How about I give you a backrub as well?"

Another short pause. "A backrub?" the blonde echoes, and he sounds really longing.

"Yeah, a nice backrub, then we make love, I give you a moment to breath, and then I blow you. How does that sound, Dray? Good enough?"

The blonde won't look at him out of fear of being hypnotised. "Oh, I don't know..."

"Oh, come on, Draco. A backrub! Backrub, backrub, backrub! I know you _love_ a good backrub." He is winning him over, and he knows it. He waits patiently.

But the blonde is still reluctant to give in, although he wants to so badly. "I don't know... you did treat me real bad just now..."

"I know, and I'm sorry, I wanna make it up to you. Will you let me make it up to you?" Hopeful, seductive eyes.

A very short pause follows, and then the blonde comes into his arms. "All right, but make it good! If you don't make me scream I'll sure as hell make _you_ scream!" he threatens half-heartedly.

Harry laughs, but he is a bit afraid as well. "I don't doubt that."

They return to their bedroom, and Draco lies down on his stomach on their bed. Harry instantly begins to rub his back with long, loving strokes. The blonde moans with approval, his eyes closed and an expression of utter pleasure on his face. "_Mmmmmmnnnnhhggmnnn_... that feels good..." He turns around on his back so he can look into Harry's eyes. The look that he gives the young raven-haired man is pleading. "Harry, kiss me, please take me now..." he begs, and closes his eyes. When Harry lies down on top of him, he moans with consent. "Harry..." But nothing happens. So he opens his eyes again. "Harry?"

He is really trying to hold it back, he really is, but... "--hiccup--"

It is not that surprising when the door slams shut this time.


	12. hiccup 3

**12. --hiccup-- 3**

This time Harry catches him just outside the door of their bedroom. "Oh, come on, it wasn't that bad! Dray..!"

"Leave me alone, you insensitive bastard! I don't need you to bloody hiccough in my face every time I feel like being intimate! Bugger off, fuckface!" He stalks away, but Harry catches his forearm.

"But it wasn't like that, I didn't mean it!"

"Sure you didn't, you just happened to lie to me about not hiccoughing anymore and _just happened_ to move your face closer to mine when you felt the next one coming!" Draco yells beside himself with wrath and tries to pull free of him.

"No, I didn't," Harry objects softly.

"Sure you didn't, you never did, did you?" Sarcasm. Burning sarcasm. Well, he deserves that.

"I didn't. Seriously."

"Save it, will ya? I don't care, just leave me the bloody hell alone, alright? I wanna sulk," Draco proclaims sourly.

Harry is close to panic. "But I wanna fuck!"

"Shame." He is relentless.

"Oh, come on..."

But the blonde is stubbornly silent.

"Come on!"

Still stubbornly silent.

Harry gets an idea. Since the blonde is just standing there - sulking just like he wanted to - he moves in really close and puts his hand inside Draco's trousers. "Maybe if I do this...?"

The blonde stiffens. "_Eeeeek_!"

"Thought you'd react to that one," Harry says with a kinky smile, pleased with himself. He slowly moves his hand further down until he feels his fingers brush against the blonde's manhood.

"Cut it out, it's not fair!"

"What? Me putting my hand down your pants, you mean?" He pretends not to understand, because he loves to tease the blonde. He knows he'll surrender soon enough...

"Take it out! Take it out!" Draco shrieks hysterically, but he sounds more aroused than offended.

"But you like having my hand in your pants, don't you?" Harry continues, and starts to massage the blonde. He receives an immediate reaction.

The blonde bites his lower lip while cocking his head slightly to the right. "No fair, no fair..!" he mutters, but he gasps and hardens as well.

"Too fair," Harry insists.

"Get your bloody hands off me! _Weeeheeeeheeeeee_..."

"What's that? You admit you like it?" He rubs more insistently, feeling a dark satisfaction when Draco gets harder and he starts to gasp even though he tries so hard not to.

"_Mmhhnnnnguheee_..."

"Say that again?" He opens the blonde's trousers to get better access to his growing erection, because he wants to hear more gasps, and possibly even a cry...

Draco seizes his hand and forces him to stop. Then he glares fiercely at Harry. "Stop mocking me and get busy, goddammit!"

Harry moves his lips to Draco's chin. "I never thought you'd say that," he muses.

"Shut up." The blonde kisses him desperately and projects his heat onto Harry.

The young raven-haired man chuckles. "Oh, I know I'm irresistible!"

* * *

**A/N:** All right, it's official: I have crossed the line to M again, haven't I? Man, I could only keep it on a T level for so long... or maybe it never was on the T level in the first place..? Hmmm... 


	13. Bite Me!

**A/N:** I wrote this little story last Christmas, actually, after I had gone shopping with my best friend. You see, she decided to buy her boyfriend a pair of satin boxers that totally triggered a crazy idea...

* * *

**13. Bite Me!**

Harry is sitting in Draco and his parlour, correcting essays that his Defense against the Dark Arts students have written, when Draco suddenly steps into the room wearing nothing but a pair of midnight blue satin boxers with loads of tiny green crocodiles on them and the text "BITE ME!" printed all over them. But that is not all... these particular boxers feature a button on the front to make it easier for guys when they need to pee, but as a special surprise for Harry he has put them on with the button down back...

"Yoohoooo, Harryyyyy! Cast a glance over here, will you!" he calls seductively and makes a little queer dance in front of his reading lover.

Harry looks up over the rims of his glasses and notices the button right there on Draco's arse. "I think you put them on backwards, Draco," he informs him and solemnly resumes his reading.

Draco stops dead with a hurt expression on his pale face. "No I didn't, you insensitive bastard!" he wails.

Harry looks up again, puzzled. "No? But isn't the button supposed to be on the front?" he argues logically.

The blonde pouts childishly. "You're such a killjoy. I did this for you, you know."

Harry blinks stupidly. "Did what?"

The blonde can't believe him. "_Can't you read, you bloody imbecile?_" He points at his boxers.

Harry frowns. " '_Bite me_'? Why would you want me to bite... you. Oh."

Draco begins to wave his arms about hysterically. "Yeah, that's right mister! There are only so many times I will go to such humiliating lengths to seduce you, and I promise you it will not happen again!" He swirls around and angrily storms out of the room, red in the face with embarrassment.

Harry hastily gets up from the armchair. "Um, Draco! I'm sorry! Hey, come back! I'm sorry!"


	14. The Mistletoe

**A/N:** I _love_ to humiliate Draco! And I will keep humiliating him until I feel that he's learnt his lesson... Enjoy this little ficcy! ;)

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**The Mistletoe**

Christmas has come to Harry Potter's world, and as a Christmas present for all you people with as bad a humour as me out there I am providing this little piece of comical fiction... picture a big Christmas ball taking place at Hogwarts during Harry's and Draco's seventh year, say that they've been a couple openly for a year or so... This story has nothing to do with the prior parts of this humour-series.

Harry and Draco are standing close to the entrance to the ballroom, looking out over the dancing couples, when Harry suddenly holds out his glass to Draco. "Here, hold my drink, I have to go to the bathroom..."

Draco takes Harry's glass. "Sure, but make it quick - I wanna dance."

Harry laughs. "I don't dance."

"Oh, sorry, did I say I wanted to dance with you?" Draco retorts in mock surprise.

Harry hits him on the arm. "Bastard! Watch your mouth, I might pour my drink down your neck if you don't behave." Then he leaves through the big doors.

Hermione floats over to him in her flowing dressing robes. "He left you alone again?"

"Yeah - had to go to the bathroom."

"Again? What - he's drunk the whole lake?"

Draco sighs. "One might think so," he mutters disapprovingly.

Hermione gets a contemplative look on her face. "He's behaving very strange lately."

The blonde instantly turns his head towards her, glowering. "What d'you mean?"

She shrugs. "Well, he's always sneaking off to somewhere, never tells us where, and he's always so secretive... Ron says he's hiding something in his trunk that he won't let anyone see. Been guarding it with his life for at least a month."

"Hmmm. You don't say?"

Hermione hits him on the back in a friendly manner, grinning mischievously. "Oh, well, I don't mean to worry you or anything! It's probably nothing. Have fun!"

She hurries off to dance with Neville.

Draco consults his watch, starting to get anxious.

Then Harry returns and places a kiss on Draco's cheek. "Hey, baby, I'm back."

Draco slaps him over the face. "Damn you, bastard! How could you?!"

Harry looks stricken. "Could wha'?"

"Oh, don't you try to play all innocent and oblivious with me, I won't buy it!"

"Buy what? Draco, I don't quite understand..."

"Of course you don't! Take this, you lying cheating bastard!" he shrieks and pours both drinks over Harry's - for once - neat hair. Harry is nonplussed as Draco indignantly storms off, but soon collides with Ron. "Watch it!" he yells furiously.

"Watch it!" Ron yells at the same time.

"Move out of my way, Weasley!"

"Move yourself, I was here first!"

"Says who?"

There are murmurs and mumbles from the audience, then Parvati Patil excitedly cries out: "Oh, look! They're under the mistletoe!"

Lavender pushes through the crowd. "What? Who are?"

"Oy, Malfoy! Looks like you got more than you bargained for this time!" Pansy Parkinson roars gloatingly.

"What?! Shut up, Pansy! I haven't bargained for nothing, and certainly not some snotty comment from you!"

Pansy snickers. "Oh, really? Aren't you gonna kiss him?"

Draco knits his brows. "Kiss who?"

Suddenly all the Slytherins began to chant loudly: "Weasley, Weasley, Weasley!"

Draco snorts. "Yeah, right - as if!"

Lavender moans in disappointment. "But you're under the mistletoe - you have to kiss!"

"It's tradition!" Parvati puts in, agreeing.

"To Hell with tradition - I won't kiss that dimwit!"

Ron is shaking nervously. "Yeah, li-listen to Malfoy, he's right you know. Now let's just walk away from this and b-be happy abo-about--"

"No way!" Lavender shouts. "You have to kiss him!" And all the students go along with her opinion: "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!"

"But I don't want to kiss him!" Draco objects exasperatedly.

"And I don't want to kiss _him_ either!" Ron begs.

But their fellow classmates are relentless: "KISS! KISS! KISS! KISS!"

That leaves Draco pleading to his boyfriend. "Harryyyyy..."

Harry studies his fingernails disinterestedly. "You just told me I was a lying cheating bastard and poured Butterbeer all over my perfect hairdo," he reminds him.

"But that doesn't matter! I can forgive you for anything you might've done if you only help me!"

Harry yawns. "I'm not helping you 'coz I've not done anything."

"Hnnnngh..."

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Pansy moans in exasperation. "Some people are losing their patience, morons!" And so she waves her wand.

Draco and Ron fall into each other's arms and their lips meet. There is an ear-splitting roar from the student body. "WWWwwwwwwoooooooooooooooooooooowwwwwwWWW!!"

Ron pulls free. "Waaaaahhh!"

Draco tries to untangle himself. "Waaaahh, get off me, get off me! HAAAARRYYYYYY!"

Harry raises an eyebrow. "What do you say?"

Draco blinks. "Huh?"

"What - do - you - say?"

"Please?" Draco tries hopefully.

Harry starts to walk away. "Wrong answer."

Then Draco gets it. "I'M SOOORRYYYYYYYY!"

Harry turns around, grinning. "Yes, what can do for you, sir?"

Draco weeps like a baby. "Help me, help me, help me!"

"What do you say?" Harry reminds him teasingly.

Helpmehelpmehelpmepurleeeeaaaase?!"

Harry waves his wand. "Happy to be of assistance."

Draco throws himself around Harry's neck. "Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! I won't ever call you a lying cheating bastard again! 'Cause you haven't been a lying cheating bastard, have you?" He blinks his glittering, watery silver eyes at him.

Harry pretends to think about it for a while. "Nooo, not that I know of... Whatever gave you that idea?"

Then Draco remembers, and flashes of angry lightning shoot from his eyes. "Hermione... When I get her..! She told me you'd been real secretive and hid something in your trunk that no-one could see, and I... I just jumped to the wrong conclusion. Sorry."

Harry laughs. "Wanna see what I've been hiding?" he wonders and withdraws a small colourful parcel from his inner pocket. "Merry Christmas, Draco."

Draco stares. "A Christmas gift? That was it? Boy, now I really feel stupid..."

"You're welcome."


End file.
